Sometimes I Feel Like I'm Still in High School ...

Like many people, all my life I have always had feelings of inferiority and self-doubt, exacerbated by meanies and bullies.  While I was smart enough in high school to be inducted into the National Honor Society, I wasn’t quite popular enough or pretty enough or thin enough to be invited to join the exclusive sorority type girls’ club that had a Greek sounding 3-word name.  I hope to god that that club either doesn’t exist anymore or was forced long ago to open up their membership to all girls equally.  While many of my friends were good enough to be asked to join, I was excluded – and that hurt. 

Me, in high school

I had also tried out for cheerleader in high school and was good enough to make it to the list of potential candidates.  But at that time, the final selection for cheerleaders was done by popular vote of the student body - and again I wasn’t quite pretty enough or popular enough to be voted in.  I got enough votes to be 2^nd alternate, but that meant nothing - and I never got onto the team, while the lucky girl who was voted in as first alternate did.  By this point in time, I would hope that this process of selecting cheerleaders at my old alma mater has been replaced with a method either based on ability or opened up to all girls wishing to participate - because the way it was done back then, based on popular vote, hurt those who didn’t make it and made us "losers" feel inferior or not good enough.   

In college and as an adult, I blossomed into my own and I have learned exactly how unimportant high school disappointments like those really are in the big scheme of things.  I excelled in my profession and was recognized and honored for my achievements.  And then six years ago, I moved to Saudi Arabia.  And sometimes I feel like I am back in high school all over again. 

One would think that women like me who are married to Saudis, who have given up everything to come here, would understand and be sympathetic to one another – because we are all in the same boat. The sacrifices we have made to be with our husbands are unimaginable to most people.  There are major cultural and religious differences to contend with, separation from our families and friends, feelings of isolation, and on top of all that, there is a tremendous loss of freedom.  It's extremely difficult for us freedom-loving western women to adapt to the much more restricted lifestyle of women here.  

Now don’t get me wrong: many of us “Saudi wives” are understanding and sympathetic.  But being here definitely affects some women’s psyche.  I know of many women who have needed professional help or medication coping with life here. There are others who have become a little whacky and haven’t gotten the help they need.  I’ve noticed that there are certain cliques here among women, and they like to play with other women’s lives. There are bullies.  There is jealousy.  Some women here are miserable and want to make everyone else just as miserable as they are.  And while we are lucky to have Facebook to keep us all connected, I also see it being used as a tool to make others feel bad, inadequate, or full of self-doubt.  Have you "unfriended" anyone lately?

During my first year in Saudi Arabia, I was befriended by “A and B,” a couple of American women who are married to Saudis like me.  I was just so happy to have a couple of friends because I really didn’t know any other women here at the time.  After some time “A and B” dropped me and treated me like a pariah.  And it hurt.  But then I thought, if they don’t want me as a friend, why would I even want to be their friend in the first place?  I picked up the pieces and moved on and have made some wonderful real friends here since then.  Sure, it’s uncomfortable seeing them in social situations but nothing I can’t handle.  Later, one of my very good friends (who has lived in KSA for over 40 years) told me that she had become close with “A,” who then abruptly cut off ties with her one day because “B” was jealous of their friendship.  Just like high school…   
  

I know these things can happen just about anywhere, but here in the Magic Kingdom, these problems just seem more pronounced.  I am in my 60s now and I like to think I am beyond this type of petty stuff.  I don’t want or need drama in my life.  But I have friends here who are younger (and don't have the wisdom of my years yet!) who have been very hurt by the actions of the mean bullies and cliques here.  I try to make them feel better and tell them that they don’t need “friends” like this, but it’s hard to see them be continually hurt by bullies, so I thought this post was called for.  I just hate bullies. Will they ever stop?

When Religious Debate Becomes a Capital Offense

I find the religious aspect of living in Saudi Arabia very confusing.  Muslims tell me all the time that questions are encouraged in Islam, yet getting satisfactory answers is an entirely separate matter.  I have also found that when I ask questions, people often seem offended or insulted at the thought that I would question something they believe in.

Then there are reports in the news that I find puzzling too, that definitely seem to contradict Islamic teachings.  For example, Islam permits marriages of Muslim men to women of Muslim, Christian, and Jewish faiths, yet a Muslim man was recently arrested in Mecca for letting it be known that he wanted to marry a Jewish woman.

With Islam being the predominant religion of the Middle East - and the only one permitted in Saudi Arabia, so much so that it requires religious police to keep everyone in line - I find it peculiar and troubling that the rate of depression in Middle Eastern countries is excessively higher in this part of the world, according to a just released study by the World Health Organization.  I can't help but wonder if this has some correlation to the ultra-strict religious choke hold on life here. 

I believe in freedom of religion.  I dislike it when others try to impose their religious beliefs on me.  I also abhor the wars, the killing and the violence, and the oppression of women that people around the world commit in the name of religion.  And I think it's a very sad day when a person is jailed and could even face the death penalty for encouraging discussions about religious beliefs.

The following article  appeared on the Human Rights Watch website on Dec. 22, 2012...

Saudi Arabia: Website Editor Facing Death Penalty 

Encouraged Peaceful Religious Discussion

(Beirut) – Saudi authorities should immediately drop all charges against the detained editor of a website created to foster debate about religion and religious figures in Saudi Arabia.

On December 17, 2012, the Jeddah District Court, which had been hearing the case against the editor, Raif Badawi, referred it to a higher court on a charge of apostasy, which carries the death penalty. The charges against him, based solely to Badawi’s involvement in setting up a website for peaceful discussion about religion and religious figures, violate his right to freedom of expression.

“Badawi’s life hangs in the balance because he set up a liberal website that provided a platform for an open and peaceful discussion about religion and religious figures,” said Eric Goldstein, deputy Middle East director at Human Rights Watch. “Saudi Arabia needs to stop treating peaceful debate as a capital offense.”

A member of Badawi’s family told Human Rights Watch that during the December 17 hearing, Judge Muhammad al-Marsoom prevented Badawi’s lawyer from representing his client in court and demanded that Badawi “repent to God.” The judge informed Badawi that he could face the death penalty if he did not repent and renounce his liberal beliefs, the family member said.

Badawi refused, leading Judge al-Marsoom to refer the case to the Public Court of Jeddah, recommending that it try Badawi for apostasy.

Prior to the December 17 hearing, Badawi had been charged with “insulting Islam through electronic channels” and “going beyond the realm of obedience,” neither of which carries the death penalty. A different judge, Abdulrahim al-Muhaydeef, presided over five sessions of the trial but was replaced without explanation for the December 17 hearing by Judge al-Marsoom.

Saudi law derives from principles of Islamic Shariah, which are not codified and do not follow a system of precedent. As a result, individual judges are free to interpret the Quran and prophetic traditions – the two agreed-upon sources of Shariah – as they see fit.

With the exception of a few crimes – including the capital offense of apostasy – judges essentially can interpret offenses to fit facts rather than assessing whether facts fit a clearly defined offense. Saudi judges also frequently convict people who engage in peaceful criticism of religious or political authorities on vague charges, including “going beyond the realm of obedience.”

Security forces arrested Badawi, a 30-year-old from the port city of Jeddah, on June 17. Badawi in 2008 was co-founder of the Free Saudi Liberals website, an online platform for debating religious and political matters in Saudi Arabia.

On the website, Badawi and others had declared May 7, 2012, a day for Saudi liberals, hoping to garner interest in open discussion about the differences between “popular” and “politicized” religion, Su’ad al-Shammari, secretary general of the website, told Human Rights Watch. Human Rights Watch had previously called for al-Badawi’s release on the grounds that his arrest violated his right to freedom of expression.

Based on a royal decree issued by King Abdullah in April 2011, all crimes related to insulting Islam by electronic means fall under the jurisdiction of a judicial council in the Ministry of Information. The council has the authority to refer cases directly to the king, who may “take measures in the public interest,” including referring cases to court.

The judicial process against Badawi has not made clear what words or activities provoked his prosecution. However, international human rights law provides broad protection of the right to freedom of expression. It permits restrictions only in narrowly defined circumstances, such as speech that constitutes incitement to imminent violence. International norms provide protection for speech about religion, including speech that some may find departs from commonly held beliefs or insults a religion or religious group.

Saudi authorities have harassed Badawi since he founded the website. In March 2008, prosecutors arrested and detained him for questioning but released him a day later. In 2009, the government barred him from foreign travel and froze his business interests, depriving him of a source of income, a family member told Human Rights Watch.

His father and a brother have publicly distanced themselves from him and declared him an unbeliever, and members of his wife’s family also filed a suit in a Jeddah court to have him forcibly divorced from his wife as an apostate. His wife and children are living outside of the country.

“Instead of protecting their citizens’ right to freedom of expression, the Saudi government has gone all-out against Badawi, to punish him and intimidate others who dare to debate matters of religion,” Goldstein said. “The authorities should drop the charges against him.”