Sunday, April 19, 2009

Widowed in Saudi Arabia - Part 1

This is Part 1 of a 4-part series.


This is the true story of a young British woman who fell in love and got married to the man of her dreams, only to have her dreams shattered into an unimaginable nightmare when she became widowed in Saudi Arabia. Hers is a cautionary tale for all young women with stars in their eyes who happen to fall for a Prince Charming from Arabia and a story that must be told.


Asima was still a teenager in 1987 when she met Abdul, a handsome Saudi student who was a few years older than she. She was swept off her feet and six months later, they married. Within no time at all, she was happily pregnant with their son Faris and settled into a blissful family life in the U.K. Asima even became a Muslim, as many Western wives of Muslims do. Abdul kept his marriage a secret from his family until after Faris was born, explaining to Asima that his parents would be more accepting of her if they already had a child together. In early 1990, just a few months before the Gulf War started, they made the decision to move to Abdul’s native Saudi Arabia since they were struggling financially in England. The young couple’s plan was that they would give it a try for five years to see if Asima liked it there and could adapt, and if not they would move back to England.

Initially Abdul’s parents welcomed their new daughter-in-law and grandson with open arms and made room for them in their home in Makkah. After several months of working long hours at the family business with not much to show for it, Abdul thought they should try living in Jeddah, where he felt he could make more money to support his family. So they moved into a building owned by his father and lived there rent-free for a while. Asima remembers being home alone with baby Faris a lot while her husband worked long hours. She was terrified during the Gulf War, as residents were told to prepare a chemical safe room in the house, stock up on supplies of food and drink, and were even given gas masks. They lived through all that, and a while later Asima obtained her Saudi citizenship. As much as she hated living in Saudi Arabia, she also loved it at the same time. (Even though it is technically illegal to hold dual citizenship like this, it is common practice for Western countries to allow women in these situations to retain their original citizenship as well.)

Over the next few years, they shuffled back and forth between the UK and the Kingdom of Saudi Arabia (KSA). Several years later Abdul decided to start up his own business from home in Jeddah so he would be able to spend more time with his little family. This proved to be a stroke of genius on his part, and soon they went from struggling to make ends meet to rolling in money. They built a huge villa in a nice part of the city, and they were truly happy and seemed to have it all. But the happier they were, the unhappier Asima’s in-laws seemed to get. They criticized Abdul for being so westernized and complained that he didn’t visit them enough. They told him that other people were sure to put the “evil eye” on them for living in such a huge home and for flaunting their success.

When Faris was almost ten years old, after many years of trying, Asima gave birth to their beautiful daughter Jannah. She was the spitting image of her doting father. At last their family was complete, and their futures looked bright and shiny. But as fate would have it, their “happily ever after” was not to be. Abdul became ill and was diagnosed with cancer. His family barged into their lives and took over with his care, shoving Asima and her children to the sidelines. Abdul optimistically held on to his positive attitude that he would beat the cancer and he and Asima talked about the future. A few months before his death, Abdul tried to warn her and told Asima to take the children back to England and leave him to die there in Saudi Arabia with his family. But how could she? What kind of a wife would do that? He was her soul mate, the love of her life, and deep down, she convinced herself that he just couldn’t or wouldn’t die. So she remained in Saudi Arabia, the faithful and loving wife.

One of Asima’s friends came to see her and advised her to be prepared for the worst. She suggested getting paperwork together that would show any assets and accounts in Asima’s name only because his family would likely try to take control of everything if Abdul died. Asima just shrugged it off. Abdul went into the hospital once again and they attempted to have paperwork drawn up – secretly, without the knowledge of Abdul’s family – that would allow Asima and the children to leave Saudi Arabia. (In Saudi Arabia, women and children are not allowed to travel without permission from their legal male guardian, called Mahram, usually the husband or father.) The hospital needed to verify the papers saying that Abdul was of sound mind. But the official at the hospital caused a big scene - in front of Abdul’s family - saying that Asima shouldn’t want to leave the country with the kids because they are Muslims! Of course Abdul’s family became enraged and he quietly told Asima to give him a few days to straighten things out with his family.

But as it turned out, Abdul didn’t have a few days to get this done, and in the summer of 2001, less than fourteen years after they first met, Abdul passed away. He was only 36 years old. Asima became a young widow with two children in Saudi Arabia. Son Faris was thirteen and baby daughter Jannah was only two. Abdul’s illness and tragic death was the beginning of her worst nightmare.

** You just read Part 1 of 4. Proceed to Part 2.

32 comments:

  1. is this a true story? only hope things turn out ok for her insha'allah

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  2. Hi Ammena - Yes, it is a true story. She is doing good, but she has been to hell and back - she's an incredibly strong woman!

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  3. Wow...that's all I can say. Now I'm on the edge of my chair waiting for the rest...of the story.

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  4. I don't know if this makes any since but the middle east often complains that they are misunderstood, how does a story like this help middle eastern western relations. How do they expect the west to react when we hear stories like this? I just have to wonder what is wrong with this family?

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  5. Hi Bellafiamma - Asima has been on an incredible journey - and it's still not over for her either.

    Hi SanAntonioCicily - I think we have to remember that this is just one woman's story. There are many wonderful people and families here in Saudi Arabia. Asima just had the misfortune of marrying into one that is not so good. I have friends back in the states who don't get along with their in-laws at all too.

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  6. this is so sad, but you just know where things are headed (thanks to the in laws)...i look forward to hearing the rest of it

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  7. This is true you are right and thank you for pointing that out, I guess I just got so angry about the story that I forgot yes we do have these same problems lol. Unfortunately I know this only too well!!!

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  8. I am anxious to hear the rest of the story. I'm rooting for her.

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  9. Wow! Thank you for sharing Asima's story, Susie! I echo everybody else by saying that I am very anxious to hear the rest.

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  10. True we all have inlaw problems. There are good and bad people everywhere, but these inlaws had the Saudi government backing up their heinous actions. There are many places where they would not be able to get away with this. It's the disregard for women's rights that caused the problem here.

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  11. Oh my gosh, Susie. What happened next? You will tell us won't you? This is horrible.

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  12. Hi Susie!!

    I am wondering what will happen next... Thank God my husband already made a will, which is recommended that ALL Muslims do before they die, so that problems like such are avoided!! Money can bring out the ugly in people, ie. when my Nanny died, relatives who weren't even there to take care of her when she was dying of cancer suddenly popped up and wanted "their share" of her estate. I had to watch my mom go through the hassles of greedy people and she was really sad.

    I really hope that things turned out well for Asima!!

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  13. Hi! I've been reading ur blog for awhile now and I think ur a terrific story teller. Keep up the fantastic writing & can't wait to read the rest of ur story. :)

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  14. fascinating stuff and i am eagerly awaiting the next installment of this. of course, knowing what you have shared previous with us about things...i am thinking it won't be a good ending.

    thanks for sharing this with us.

    have a wonderful day.

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  15. fascinating stuff and i am eagerly awaiting the next installment of this. of course, knowing what you have shared previous with us about things...i am thinking it won't be a good ending.

    thanks for sharing this with us.

    have a wonderful day.

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  16. You don't have to live in KSA for in-laws to make life hell, but then from the sounds of this story it doesn't sound like it helped....

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  17. We in the USA like to believe this kind of thing doesn't happen in the states, but that's a naive belief to say the least...

    I am married to a full-blooded, enrolled member of the Hopi tribe. Over the years we have, on occasion, hit rough spots on our journey as husband and wife. I don't have the best relationship with his family either. There are a lot of differences in fundamental values and understanding of roles.

    Anyway, I have learned to be very careful about making sure that we do not travel to the reservation, nor do I allow my husband to take the children there, whenever we have been having troubles. The reason? The reservation is its own jurisdiction,and if my husband and his family were to decide to keep my children there, it would be a long, expensive, and drawn out legal process to try and get custody restored to me.

    We considered living out there briefly, as I was a teacher, jobs were plentiful, and living expenses were low. I was strongly advised against doing so by someone who knew better, and thank God daily for taking that advice. If we had established residency on the rez, it would be even more difficult to win custody of my children in the event things went south, because the children would have established ties there in their daily lives.

    "Stateside" courts don't like to mess with tribal governments and will frequently cave to tribal court decisions to avoid the mess. It's a frustrating and precarious position, to say the least.

    I sympathize with any woman facing a situation where her rights to her children are jeopardized by laws or customs. I can't even begin to imagine the situation when one is also on the other side of the world, in a foreign country.

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  18. I'm afraid of where this is headed. And it sounds like she wasn't able to leave the country. Oh Susie, I want to thank you today. I sometimes feel bad for wanting to keep Youssef and my in-laws apart, but I truly don't have the patience of Asima. I'm praying for a happy ending for her. Lots of love dear, and great post!

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  19. Hi Struggling - Stay tuned - the rest is coming soon.

    Hi SanAntonioCicily - I understand - I get angry when I hear frustrating stories too, especially when there's really nothing we can do it about it.

    Hi Martha - Thanks! I know Asima is reading the comments and appreciates your support!

    Hi Mel - I really have to thank Asima for sharing her story. I know she shed some tears rehashing everything for me - it wasn't an easy thing for her to do.

    Hi Anon - You are so right. And hopefully her story will prevent it from happening to someone else.

    Hi Kay - Yes! It was too long to put in one post, so I divided it up. The 2nd installment is coming up.

    Hi Aalia - Wills here in Saudi Arabia do not mean much more than the paper they are written on. The best thing to do here, unless you want the courts to divvy everything up according to Islamic law, is to give things away to the people you want to have them before you die, and put properties into the name of the people you want to have them as well. It is very cut and dry here and the person who dies really has no say in how his property is distributed.

    Hi Supermom - Thank you so much - you made my day!

    Hi Erin - I can't really give it away because Asima's ending hasn't been written yet - she is still in limbo, but there is light at the end of the tunnel.

    Hi Always - Undoubtedly Asima would have been better off had they stayed in England...

    Hi Michelle - Wow - thank you for sharing your situation with us. The US Gov't doesn't like to get involved in familial situations with other countries or jurisdictions. They are of little help. Thanks for your eye-opening comment.

    Hi Cheela - Please don't worry about me. In the 4th installment, I explain a little about the factors involved in my decision to come here. I am really okay - and I appreciate your concern. Looking forward to seeing you this summer!!!

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  20. My oh my...unfortunately the potential ending for this story doesnt sound good...and one Ive heard (and lived) far too often over here in the middle east.

    Stories like this one should really be a lesson to foreign women with stars in their eyes...go ahead and marry your talk dark and handsome prince charming...but prepare for the either prince...or his family (or both) to turn into toads at some point...hopefully they wont but its better to be prepared and not let hindsight be your constant lamented companion.

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  21. Hi Lisa - I don't want to give the story away, but Asima is still here, 8 yrs later...

    Hi CoolRed - I am hopeful that her story and other stories like your own are fair warning to other women considering a move here. Thanks.

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  22. I just found your blog the other day, and decided to add your blog to my livejournal friend list, so I made a feed here:

    http://syndicated.livejournal.com/susiesadventure/profile

    Just in case other livejournalers want to add you as well!

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  23. Susie, my heart raced when I read your title. I am moved by Asima's story. So glad she shared this and allowed for you to tell. You write so well and this story should be published to a larger audience. I look forward to hearing more. Hugs to Asima.

    I too worry about you.

    Hugs to you my friend.

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  24. Can't wait for the next installment of the story, truly truly enjoy your blog.

    I hope Asima's life is currently one of peace inshallah.

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  25. Thank you for sharing this story with us.. I must admit this is a big fear I have... but I always pray that my husband lives long enshallah...

    I pray for her courage and strentgh... Can't wait to read the second part !

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  26. Susie, what a scary story! It's allready making me very depressed!

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  27. Hi MellyBrelly - Welcome, and thank you so much!

    Hi Gaelyn - I know Asima appreciates your support. Thanks - and please don't worry about me.

    Hi AnnMarie - Thank you! Asima's still not out of the woods, but is making her way on the right path...

    Hi LostInRiyadh - I think what happened to Asima is something we all need to think about it and prepare for, just in case. One never knows.

    Hi Aafke - Asima is such a strong woman with such a positive outlook and helpful nature, I don't think she would let anything ever get her down. Chin up!

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  28. I applaud you Susie for your post. And let's not forget the courage of the lady who was brave enough to share her story.

    This should serve as an eye-opener to those expat wives who leave it all in the hands of their husbands.

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  29. It serves as an eyeoper for everybody, because in thes case the lady didn't leave it to her husband, who had enough forsight to tell her to get out, but she didn't listen.

    I know of one foreign wife of a Saudi husband, whose husband has gone to very great lengths ( and you have to) to preserve his family and keep them safe in case anything might happen.
    A really caring man would have a very solid safetynet in place for his family in case of disaster. Unfortunately I think this man is unique in that respect.

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  30. Hi T ALM - Hopefully it will at least make expat wives think about what could happen and to be prepared.

    Hi Aafke - Thanks so much - I need to ensure these things for myself and Adam as well.

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  31. Hi guys,
    Thank you so much for this wonderful article really!
    If someone want to know more about can expats marry in saudi arabia I think this is the right place for you!

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