Hair Do or Hair Don't?

Yesterday our family was invited for dinner to the home of a Lebanese family whose son is friends with our son Adam. They live in a residential compound where women can walk around the grounds without an abaya or having to cover their hair. I was very excited because I would get to meet the boy's mom (a new potential friend - yay!), plus another couple from South Africa. I had already met the South African lady through my blog and I was looking forward to seeing her again. I made a salad to take with us as our contribution for the meal, took a shower, and got dressed.


About an hour before we left the house, I told my husband that there was a possibility that both of the other women we would be visiting with that evening may not have their hair covered. If that was the case, I went on, I would prefer not to be the only woman there with my hair covered. Well, basically my hubby told me that if I wanted to uncover my hair there, that he would not be going with us. So I had two choices: (A) I could agree to keep my hair covered and have him be there with us; or (B) I could uncover my hair and make up some lame excuse for why he suddenly wasn't able to come with us.

The arguments for his position included that we are in Saudi Arabia, it is a Muslim country, and that Allah requires women to cover their hair. He feels now that a woman's beauty, including her hair, should be revealed only to her husband. He says that he is a Muslim man and his wife should cover and he should be respected by everyone else for feeling that way. I, as his wife, should obey and please my husband, and to a certain extent I agree, but what about MY feelings and my comfort?

My hubby does not regularly read my blog, but he has seen it. A photo of me showing my hair for the entire world to see is posted on my blog, and he has not asked me to remove it. What is the difference, then, if I uncover my hair in a private setting with two other non-Saudi couples present? And, if the other women at this dinner party weren't covered, why must I? I told my hubby that I like to feel good about myself and I honestly feel ugly wearing the hijab (head and neck covering). I feel plain and invisible and I don't like feeling that way. I find it uncomfortable and it makes me hot. It makes my neck itch. I know that there are many Muslim women out there who feel beautiful wearing the hijab, but I personally don't. I know that there are many Muslim women out there who feel empowered wearing the hijab and the abaya, but I feel the opposite way. I know also that there are many Western women married to Saudis who love to cover and may even veil, but I’m not one of them. Do I resent them or fault them for it? No! If it suits them and they like it, good for them. It's just not my thing.

There are many Muslim women around the world who do NOT cover their hair and do not wear a black abaya. So definitely, this is a cultural issue here. But the problem for me lies in the fact that ALL the reasons I’ve ever been given for WHY women have to dress like that here ARE religious! To me this boils down to man’s interpretations on imposing THEIR personal beliefs on women. I have asked my husband many times to show me any passages where Allah has instructed that women specifically must cover their hair and neck or dress up like a nun, and he has yet to show me anything. I believe that all religions here on earth are manmade and this is the root of my problems with religions. Since religions are made by man, as a woman I have a problem especially with those teachings in religions that seem to be directed only to women and are not applied equally to men. For example in Islam, how women should dress, how women should act (lowering our gaze, not letting other men hear our voices), and that men are allowed four wives, etc. I find these religious rules unfair to women. I am not putting anyone down for believing whole-heartedly in these values. I just don’t buy into it myself. Honestly I wouldn’t have a problem with it if these rules were applied equally to men.

All my life before we moved here I was fine without shielding my hair from men – over 50 years – and I don’t recall having any problems from men because of my hair. So I asked hubby why he didn't make an issue out of me not covering my hair for the 30 years we spent together in the states? His answer was that he was stupid then! If it’s because he didn’t want other men seeing my “beauty,” I could better understand that if I were still younger, cuter, and thinner. But the truth is, I just don’t FEEL as attractive as I once did – let’s face it – I’m pushing 60! Covering now at this point in my life when I didn’t when I WAS cute blows that "beauty theory" out the window as far as I’m concerned. It makes no sense to me.

You'll be glad if you click on the links below to check out some other really interesting posts about Islamic women’s dress that have cropped up recently by some of my favorite fellow bloggers. There are also some amazing photos, interesting history, and great comments too. Don't miss these must-see posts:

Aafke of Clouddragon entertains with a post called "Women, Dress, Undress and Religions."

American Bedu pens a provocative post titled "Saudi Arabia – I Dared to Go Out Without An Abaya."

And Achelois looks at history in her post called "Uniforming the Muslim Woman."

Also check out Saudi Woman's post about "Confiscated Abayas!"

Oh, and FYI, Adam and I went to the dinner party WITH my husband, and I wore the hijab the whole time. The other two women did not cover their hair. My husband and I set aside our differences and we all had a lovely time. The food was fantastic and our new friends were delightful. But deep down inside, I was not happy about having to wear the hijab!

Hot Flashes

I t's the middle of January and I'm still hot. Not as hot as spring, summer, or fall, that's for sure, but I just don't find the weather in the winter as cool here in Jeddah as everyone else seems to. Maybe it's just that the older I get the less tolerant I am of the heat. Ok, it could be because I have more built-in padded insulation than most other people around here. Or perhaps it's due to my own personal internal thermostat just always seems to be set on "hot." And no doubt, having to wear the abaya plus covering my head and neck certainly contribute to my overheating problem. Whatever the reason, I am feeling doomed to live in hot climates all my life – Arizona, Texas, Florida, and now Saudi Arabia. I am just dying to live in a cooler climate, and I have just the place picked out already – Washington State. Half of my family has migrated there over the years, and every time I go there I just feel like I belong and I don’t want to leave. Did you ever feel that way about a place?


The other day we were at the home of my sister-in-law (SIL) “B” for dinner. Her home is enormous. We ate all together in the cavernous upstairs family room, which is probably four times as big as the family room at our place, and I'm not exaggerating. Very typically, the maids set up the dining area on the thick plush carpeted floor by spreading out a large plastic tablecloth. There were sixteen of us who sat around on the floor eating the meal of biryani with lamb (a spicy Pakistani rice dish), curry chicken, scalloped potatoes, and more. After the meal, several of us went to one side of the room to play cards, and the rest were in the seating area having tea, dessert, and conversation. Now this room is so big that it has four separate AC wall units. Each room in our home only has one per room. Many homes in Jeddah do not have central air but are instead equipped with individual AC units in each room. Many homes are so oversized that this probably cuts down on the cooling bill since you’re generally not cooling down the entire house.



Just one AC unit was on in the whole room, and fortunately it was in the card-playing side. None-the-less, I was still warm. Because my brother-in-law was there, I had to have my hair and neck covered. I mentioned to my niece that I thought it was hot and she immediately got up and turned on the other AC unit that was on our side of the room. After a bit, I started to feel more comfortable, but I also noticed that one of my other nieces went and got a sweater for my mother-in-law. And then another niece took the baby into another room and when they came out he was wearing a hooded sweatshirt. A short while later, my two other nieces grabbed a couple of sheets and wrapped them around themselves. Three of them huddled together on the couch in an effort to keep warm. They were all sitting there freezing so I would feel comfortable!

When we finished playing cards, we joined the rest of the group in the seating area. I turned to my hubby and said quietly, “Everybody else is cold with the AC on just so I won’t feel hot!” My husband turned and loudly addressed everyone in the room, saying something in Arabic. Several of them responded in Arabic and others giggled. I grinned sheepishly.

Hubby told me, “They are all suffering because of you. They are talking about what method they should use to eliminate you.” Everyone was laughing out loud at this point.

“Well, just make sure it’s not with a gun or knife – I really don’t like the sight of blood,” I joked.

My SIL “B,” who was sitting near me, pointed to my drink and quipped, “Susie, drink up!”

“They went with poison,” Hubby chuckled, half whispering.

“That must be why I’m feeling a headache coming on!” I whimpered, dramatically sweeping the back of my hand to my forehead.

“Yes, that’s the first symptom. You should be getting gas and the runs any minute!” teased SIL ”B.”

“Great! I’ve had THAT since I moved here!” I took another sip, grabbed my throat, rolled my eyes back and coughed my way down to the floor in a dead heap, amidst a roomful of laughter.

And yet another example of how much they make me feel like a welcome addition to this warm and wonderful fun-loving family . . .

Compound Interest

There are many gated communities here in Saudi Arabia, which are called compounds. Some are large with many services provided and others are small. These compounds are not only gated, but most of them have security or even armed guards 24 hours a day. Compounds provide housing for foreigners who have come to the Kingdom to work, although more and more Saudi families are opting to enjoy the freedoms that come with compound living. Both family and singles housing are available for rent and are usually furnished. With singles housing, you might be assigned a roommate, sort of like college dorms except nicer accommodations. As an incentive, most work contracts include some type of housing allowance for the workers, which could cover all or at least most of the cost of renting in a compound.

 Not only does the compound provide a relatively safe environment for its residents, but the people residing in the compounds actually have a lot more freedom and activities than someone in my position. Inside the compounds, inhabitants can dress however they want - in other words, women don't have to cover their hair or wear the abaya. The larger compounds even have recreation centers, convenience stores, gyms, transportation, libraries, bowling alleys, restaurants, swimming pools, beauty parlors, etc. There are also many social events, clubs, classes, and sporting activities, plus many family oriented activities that go on within the confines of the compounds. Many larger compounds even employ a social events planner to keep residents involved and busy.

Within these walls, residents have learned how to make their own moonshine (alcohol is strictly prohibited) and others hold worship services in their homes, since Islam is the only religion allowed in Saudi Arabia. Some employers discourage workers from venturing outside the compound’s walls, citing safety issues. I have read that some 60% of the population here are foreigners. There are still many jobs here, like manual labor and service jobs, that are beneath the Saudis, and are filled by mostly Asian workers from the Philippines, India, or Pakistan. Higher paying professional positions in healthcare, communications, defense, and of course oil, are mostly held by Western workers from Europe or the USA.

Unfortunately as a result, one of the consequences of compound living is that many people who come here to work rarely get to experience what life is REALLY like outside the gates of their compound. The problem as I see it is that they are living in a foreign country yet not really experiencing what the country is really like since they are isolated from its society. I wonder how many foreign workers have actually made true friendships within the Arab community, or have been invited into an Arab home for dinner, or have attended a Saudi wedding. Unless required for their job, very few foreign workers learn the language and not many are able to assimilate into the society and culture. The ones who do generally don’t live in compounds and are married to Saudis or other Middle Easterners.

Despite their separation from Saudi society in general, most of the accounts that I have read that were written by those who have lived here under those conditions had overwhelmingly positive experiences.

In Saudi Arabia, compound living keeps the foreigners from socializing and interacting with the country’s citizens, a situation that succeeds at curbing the influences of the Western world from seeping into the society here. Score one for the Saudi government.