The Inside Outsider

Many children of mixed marriages in Saudi Arabia (usually the father is Saudi and the mother is not) have identity issues. They do not particularly feel accepted by or part of either of their parents’ cultures. Certainly when my son moved to Saudi Arabia at 14, he felt much more American than he did Saudi. Had he been exposed to the Saudi culture at a younger age, perhaps he would have felt differently. Or maybe he would have felt even more confused about his identity.

I’d like to introduce you to “The Inside Outsider,” who is half-Saudi and half-American. She and her siblings were raised as “citizens of the world,” attending schools in Saudi Arabia, America and Europe. Now in her mid-30s, she is married to a Saudi man and is raising her own children. They live in KSA but travel frequently outside the country, exposing her kids to the many wonders and complexities of our globe.

The following is sage advice and unique insights she has for newcomers to Saudi Arabia who are trying to fit in and make a normal life for themselves in this country that has many cultural roadblocks in the way, as well as attitudes hostile to the modern world. So here, in her own words, is “The Inside Outsider.”

*******************************

About this place they call "Saudi," I have a lot to say about it. I have many feelings that are buried deep down inside, and for the first time, I am going to bring them out. I am turning my thoughts and feelings into words; these have been building up since childhood.

Saudi Arabia is a unique place. It’s a place where the ancient wisdom that it was once renowned for is long gone, buried under the mineral and black gold that seems to have given it new character and personality. A wisdom that has no more value, a wisdom that is now considered worthless and those who try to practice it are shunned and pushed aside. The ancient leaders of Arabia, the well-known prophets, scientists, romantics, poets, and many others would be appalled at what it has become today.

The Kingdom of Saudi Arabia often reminds me of the television series "LOST." It is a place with a strange power that controls everybody - a power that is unseen, unexplained, scary, yet resourceful. It is a place that is a "goldmine," a "safe haven," and a "no mans land," where if you place yourself properly, you can get away with murder - literally. This place attracts the most insufficient, unprofessional, unethical, dishonest people from all around the world. It attracts people who cannot make a decent living, people who have been convicted for something minor or even major, people who escape taxes, people who cannot get it together in their own countries – they all come here.

Saudi Arabia has a very low standard for anything ethical or professional. Its people are lazy, consuming, demanding, self righteous, spoiled and incapable. During the past 20-30 years, they have been in a slumber induced by a lack of leadership and tight controls on everything, which retarded any kind of growth. Losers from other countries come here to make a quick buck. I personally know and can name a few. These people come from all walks of life - the Americans, the British, the Indians, the Bengalis, the Filipinos, the Egyptians, etc, etc.

Saudi residents tend to group together to create little clicks, gangs, mafias - whatever you want to call it - survival groups that are bonded by the same goals, mentality, and mind set with strong loyalties to each other. These groups are very difficult to infiltrate if you are not like-minded. They are based on a commonality that each individual has while excluding any others. This grouping can be among siblings, extended family members, school friends, college friends, colleagues at work, or specific social classes and groups. If you find yourself trying to fit in, you will not be able to unless the majority in the group find a commonality that they can accept you for. They are in control not you; so don’t even try to fit in.

This is where I tell you not to be concerned with cultural differences or racial differences, because these are not what the society is based on. I don’t feel like there is a real culture in Saudi Arabia anymore. Society doesn’t practice true Arabian or Islamic behavior of generosity anymore. No more open homes, free food, kind words, smiles, helping hands, or anything that the Arabs or Muslims were previously very well known for. There no longer exists the Arabian Knight on a shiny white horse.

Don’t be afraid; be proud that you don’t fit in. I personally felt extremely reassured and relieved when I realized that I don’t fit in fully and that I never will. I have been brought up in a multi-cultural home, which is non-judgmental, considerate, kind and forgiving. I was ecstatic when I finally accepted that I would never be a full part of the Saudi people of today. I may never really fit in anywhere, but I know that the human characteristics that really matter in the end are the ones that I want to practice and hold on to even if that means that I am estranged from my own “home town.”

This place has to have a purpose for you, besides it being a home. You have to find something that you can only be able to take advantage of in such a country - maybe like completing a higher degree because of the long empty hours you will have affording plenty of time to study, or work experience that is unique, or exposure to others who may get you a foot in the door somewhere. Make this place work for your personal gains. Don’t just exist here for the sake of your children; they will also never really fit in. Let them be who you want them to be, not who you think the society will accept - because it’s not going to happen. They should be good people with beautiful human characteristics, with universal rules to follow - people who can live anywhere in the world and make you proud.

Always make sure you have an escape - yes, a way out! Always keep your passports with you, especially the American ones. Make sure you have the consulate’s number with you at all times. Always have a plan that will get you and your kids out of here if necessary. Most Saudis have and or seek dual citizenship for this reason - an escape route. Those who don’t have dual citizenship truly envy those who do. People may mistreat you only because they know that you and your kids can leave if you ever wanted or had to, and that the American government will support you as a person no matter what. YOU ARE THE UNTOUCHABLES, and that’s why you feel the hate.

Of course there are many good things here, but you must wade through the bad and scrape it off before you can see or appreciate the good. That’s just the way it is - the most annoying stuff just gets right up into our faces. In my opinion it is one of the most difficult countries in the world to live in. This place is “special” in many different ways. You will find those few and far between people whom you will not be able to live without. These are the people who will appear when you are most in need and they can keep you afloat. These people will be your friend no matter where you go, and they are in the same position you are in, so they understand.

Don’t be who you are not, and don’t try to change. That is the biggest cause for distress and depression when living in Saudi. Because no matter how hard you try to please family members, friends, or “the group,” they will never appreciate it and never be pleased because you are just not one of them - and you will never be. It’s the painful truth; they will just laugh at you and talk about you behind your back. So be your beautiful Californian blonde self and enjoy being that. Their envy is killing them!

A very strong tool to use in Saudi is silence. If they can’t hear your thoughts they can’t control you. If they can’t see what you are all about they can’t get to you. Saudi people are experts at reverse psychology and mental manipulation. They have a skill at finding your weaknesses and going for you. If they don’t hurt you today, they will tomorrow. Keep your thoughts to yourself and that is your power against them.

I know that it is tough because you must live in survival mode constantly. You must become accustomed to protecting yourself and building a strong defense mechanism. It is exhausting and sometimes not worth it. But if you choose to live here, this is the advice I have for you. This is what I have learned living amongst them as an “inside outsider.”

Muslim Male Humor - Just Not Funny...

My hubby has been having some health complaints lately so I made him go in to go the doctor. The doctor we usually go to is Syrian but he doesn't speak much English, so when we go, Adnan always has to interpret for me to tell me what the doctor is saying or asking.

I sat there while the doctor talked to Adnan, checked him over, ran an EKG, looked at the results, and talked to Adnan some more. This doctor obviously likes my husband a lot and vice versa. At one point the doctor said something to my husband in Arabic and they both burst out laughing - I mean REALLY laughing, like that knee slapping, good ole boy kind of laughing. Adnan looked at me and told me that he would fill me in later. I figured it had to be something related to sex, as almost everything in this place seems to be...

We walked to the lab down the hall from the doctor's office and my husband had some blood drawn. Later that evening we were supposed to go back for the results of the blood test. When we were driving home, I asked Adnan what was so funny in the doctor's office. He said "Oh nothing," but I persisted and finally got him to tell me the reason for their big outburst of laughter. With this medical issue that my husband has, the doctor has told him not to do anything too strenuous or too physical for the time being - get my drift? - and then the doctor chimed in with, "You weren't planning on marrying another one, were you?" N-yuck, n-yuck, n-yuck! (knee slap) Ha, ha, ha...! (For anyone who isn't aware, Muslim men are allowed four wives according to Islam.)

Needless to say, I failed to see the humor. I told Adnan that I thought it was unprofessional, rude and insensitive for the doctor to say that with me sitting right there. The doctor knew that I didn't understand him. Would he have said that if I were Saudi or if I spoke Arabic?

So when we went back later that evening to get the test results, we sat down in the doctor's office. He looked over the test results and talked to my husband a bit, and then my husband looked at me and said, "Whew! He says I'm going to live!" The doctor then started to write out a prescription for my husband and seemed to have a problem remembering my hubby's name, calling him Abdul-Rahman.

I picked up on this mistake without my husband having to translate, so I told my husband, "Well, maybe YOU'RE not the one who's going to live after all. Maybe Abdul-Rahman is!" When Adnan translated what I had said to the doctor, I never saw anyone turn so bright red in my life! He blubbered all over himself going overboard trying to reassure Adnan that those were indeed his test results. Good ole boys indeed... hmmmm.

HACKED! A True Story

The past few days have not been very good ones. Someone out there - more than likely a total stranger - tried to wreak as much havoc on me as he possibly could. He hacked into my computer and took over my personal email accounts as well as my Facebook account and pretended to be me online. As a result, I've decided to post about it to help others avoid this from happening to them or to fall for such a scam. I had no idea what to do initially since my online security had never been compromised before. But I quickly figured out what I needed to do, even though finding the information about how to go about it wasn't really that easy.

I actually had made it easy for The Hacker to do his dirty deeds - I went the lazy and careless route and hadn't changed my passwords for quite a while and actually used the same password for many of my accounts, just to make it easier for myself - which actually made it a lot easier for The Hacker. So recommendation #1 is change your passwords frequently and don't use the same password for your accounts. And don't make it something easy that a Hacker can figure out from any personal information you have posted online. Also the longer the password, the better, and mix it up with numbers and letters. And for heavens sake, don't store any of your passwords on your computer!

The Hacker sent out bogus emails to everyone on my contact list, making up an absurd hifalootin' story about how I was stranded in London, had been robbed at GUNPOINT, and needed money to get back home. Lucky for me, I have smart friends who didn't buy into this ridiculous tale; and if they had a thought that it might in any way be true, they asked The Hacker questions to verify my identity. Questions like: Where or when did we meet? What is my father's middle name? At what company did we used to work together? These are questions that only I would have known and that isn't information that I had put out there online somewhere. If you are contacted like this, protect yourself by verifying the identity of the person who has contacted you to ensure that it is the person you think it is. A true friend would only appreciate this and not at all be insulted by being asked questions to confirm their identity. Once I regained control of my accounts, I removed a lot of the personal information I had stored online, like my children's names, my phone numbers, etc. I have ensured that my security questions are up to date and that the questions are something that only I would know and that there is only one possible answer for, in case - heaven forbid - one day I really am in a tough situation and I am upset and can't really think straight.

Now think about this for a moment: think about all the private information you have in saved emails or out there on Facebook that a stranger could use to pretend to be you if he had the chance! I am trying to go through old emails now that I really don't need anymore and delete them, and at the same time, I am trying to regain my email address book, one by one because The Hacker deleted all my email contacts! Once I regained control of my account, I realized that The Hacker was also having any new emails forwarded to another email address - I didn't even know I could do that! He also tried to delete all email messages between himself and the people on my list that he contacted, so I couldn't see what he had done. Another thing he did on Facebook was to change my birthday - I don't know why, but he did.

If you receive an email like this from someone on your email list, just stop and think to yourself... If this story were true, would this person really be contacting me, of all people, like this? In truth, I would have turned to my family personally and not in a generic sounding email. I think most of us would. Honestly, there are some people on my email list that I have never actually even met in person - I have many cyber-friends that I have befriended online - and I wouldn't approach them about sending me money if I were in a situation like this. So an important thing to remember is to use your common sense and don't immediately think a story is true just because it appears to have come from a friend.

Another tip-off that someone is trying to rip you off is in the grammar and spelling of the emails or chats that you receive. When I read through some of the chats and emails that The Hacker had written, it was obvious to anyone who knows me that it was not me just by the way he wrote. I am a native speaker of English and The Hacker obviously isn't. Sure I make mistakes here and there when I am typing fast, but a typo is far different from bad grammar and improper sentence formation. Would I sign off an email to my mother with "Regards - Susie"? And wouldn't my relatives and friends know ahead of time if I were taking a trip to London? The Hacker also stupidly told people to send the money to "me" via Western Union and to send it using my "exact name" on my passport. He provided my name but he assumed incorrectly that this is how my name appears on my passport, and anyone who really knows me would have known that this was wrong. Again, using your common sense is key.

Current anti-virus software is a must, although it didn't help me this time. Run virus scans frequently. I was online myself when I got hacked and was immediately called on the phone by a friend - Thanks, Veeds! - who had just received this strange email from me. So I found out about it pretty quickly. But in all honesty, previously I often would carelessly leave my computer unattended and online for extended periods. Now I make sure that I disconnect my computer from the internet when I am not using it, so there is no chance of penetration by a Hacker. I am also limiting my online time.

I'm sorry I had to write this post at all. I hate the thought that the rest of us have to share this beautiful world of ours with scumbags like Hackers. But in today's world, it is reality, and if this post will help anyone from falling victim to an online scam or getting hacked, then I will be happy. If any of you have any more good advice on how to protect yourself online, please feel free to add it in comments.

For more information about protecting yourself online, here are a few good websites I found with some sound advice:

Top Ten Passwords You Should Never Use

UNC Information Technology Services

How To Protect Yourself Against Hackers

Dear Susie ...

I hope you don’t mind me emailing you, but I wanted your opinion about my situation. I am a 28-year-old American woman and I met a Saudi guy I really like. The problem is he wants to go back to Jeddah once he's done studying here in the US and he wants me to go back with him. I want to know from your experience if I would survive in his different culture and community. Also, how hard is it to adapt to this new type of culture and living situation? I am also used to working a lot of hours and focusing on my career and my concern is if I did go to Saudi Arabia, I would not be able to find a job since I do not speak Arabic and would lose all the skills I have worked so hard for. Also my other fear is if he was working all the time and gets back into the swing of his normal life there, I will be lonely and just get lost in the shuffle and not be able to find my own thing like I have in America. By the way, I am Catholic and this is obviously a concern for him as he would like to have Muslim children, which I am not opposed to. What would be your suggestion regarding the difference in religions? I would truly appreciate your opinion and answers to my questions. My boyfriend and I are at the point in our relationship that if we break up it is going to be very difficult or impossible for both of us so now we have to deal with the reality of the differences in our cultures and the best way to make it work. Also I didn't mention that him staying here is not an option at all.

Thanks - M
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Dear M -

I don't mind at all that you emailed me to ask questions - I wish that years ago there would have been someone I could have asked many of the same questions you have. I'll try to answer as best I can, but my situation may be different from yours and from other women who are in relationships with Saudi men.

I cannot tell you whether or not you will be able to survive in this culture and environment. Many women that I have met have been here for 20, 30 or, incredibly, even more than 40 years. Most of those women have converted to Islam, live in villas where they can spend some time outdoors if they choose, have maids and drivers, have raised their children here, and are able to travel freely. Many of them also work, usually in education or the medical field. As far as not speaking Arabic, I haven’t encountered much a problem with it since just about everyone here speaks some English. In fact if you are a native speaker of English, you would have no problem finding work in a school or tutoring English. Some women have carved out their own niche, in art or photography or such. Obviously I cannot speak for all Western women who married Saudis, but I get the distinct feeling that most of these women would actually prefer to live somewhere else if given the choice - but they have tolerated this place out of love for their spouses and children and have tried to make the best of it. And looking back, if asked if they had a chance to do it over again, would they? I truly think that the majority of women who have married Saudis and moved here would likely say "NO!" - if they were being perfectly honest.

The expat wives of Saudis all have different situations and circumstances. My husband and I lived for thirty years in the states, and the thought that he would ever want to move back to his homeland was far-fetched because that's what he had always led me to believe. The first decade or so of our relationship, my hubby wasn't particularly religious, but that eventually started changing. Even living in the states, there were times when I found it difficult to be married to someone from such a different culture and religion. This was especially noticeable after our son started school. If there was a school function, parent-teacher conference, a band concert, or a sporting event my son was participating in that interfered with prayer times - and almost inevitably they did - I usually ended up going alone and often felt like I was a single parent. Honestly I began to resent it and wasn't happy about it, and I felt cheated for myself and my son. I felt that God shouldn't mind if you did your prayers later if you were attending a function where you were showing support for your own child. But my husband didn't see it that way, and his prayer times almost always won out.

There were other times when I felt cheated, like around holidays that I was used to celebrating. Never being a deeply religious person myself - I consider myself spiritual but shy away from manmade interpretations of religions - what I always enjoyed most about, for example, Christmas, was the fluff and the spirit of the season - the lights, the music, the decorations, the smells, the foods and special treats, hearing from old friends, the generosity toward those less fortunate, the sentimentality of remembering Christmases past, the joy of giving, the smiles on people's faces, the children's excitement in anticipation of the big day. As years went by, my husband withdrew from participating in any of the preparation or the festivities. This applied to other typical holidays too, like Easter, Halloween, or the 4th of July. When we were invited over to friends' homes, if they had a pet dog, my husband would either refuse to go or insist that the dog be locked away. Muslims are taught that dogs are filthy animals, and my husband has been deathly afraid of even the smallest puppy since I have known him. I know that in America some women call themselves "Football Widows," when it's football season, the wives feel like widows because the husbands are totally focused on football games. Well, I started feeling at times like a "Muslim Widow,” for lack of a better term.

Adapting to this new life and new culture has definitely been an exciting learning experience, which is not to say that it has been easy. I honestly think that moving here is much easier for Western women who are NOT married to Saudis and who come here to work for a specific time frame, live in compounds where activities abound, and have very busy and full lives, with many more opportunities to enjoy all that this place has to offer than I have had. Life inside the compound walls is much like life in the West. There are parties, sports, classes, more freedom for women to participate in sports and to form friendships, and a sense of community that you just don't automatically get outside those walls. But on the flip side, many of them have never been inside a Saudi home and they don't develop friendships with Saudis, so even though they are living in Saudi Arabia, they are in reality living in this little protected bubble and not really experiencing living in "the real Saudi Arabia." Being married to a Saudi and living in an apartment building or a villa is a whole different story. I haven't really been able to join clubs and develop friendships with many ex-pats whether they live in compounds or not because of my transportation limitations. I have to rely on my husband to take me where and when I want to go, and you can imagine what a problem that can be. And everything revolves around prayer times - everything comes to a halt then and every business shuts down for prayer times. When you live out among Saudi society, it is so very different from the Western way of life because the Saudis are so very private and men and women do not mix socially. This is one of the worst things for me that I dislike about being here. To come from an open society like America, and then suddenly you are expected not to speak to men, to dress like a nun and cover your hair, and where you can socialize only with women, and you are not free to come and go as you please... it almost feels at times like you are in a prison of sorts.

For me, there are very few activities, few friends, and lots of boredom. I have described my life now as just an empty shell of what it was before moving here. There are days on end when I don't see the light of day because I am stuck in this flat with nothing to do, nowhere to go and no one to take me anyway. Not being able to just go outside for a walk or to get some fresh air or to work in the garden is a big problem for me because of where we live. Doing things here on the spur of the moment is not an option any more. Fortunately I have a friend who invites me to do things with her once in a while, and she usually is able to send her driver to pick me up and take me back, so I don't have to ask my husband for transportation. One of my hobbies is photography - I would love to be able to just go out when I want to and take photos, but I can't. Usually I have to settle for trying to capture photos from a car zooming by, so for every one good shot I get, there are at least 50 that are just too blurry to use. Thank God for digital technology! In the more than two years that I have been here, my husband has taken me out specifically to take photos on maybe three or four occasions, not nearly enough to satisfy my desires. Even then though, I always feel rushed because of the bad traffic or because it will soon be prayer time, and there are many areas of the city I have not had the chance to photograph yet.

The first few months after arriving here, my husband went out quite frequently in the evenings several times a week, often until 2 or 3 am. That has tapered off to where now he might only go out like that once or twice a month. I don't really mind, as long as I am able to spend time with my own friends also maybe once or twice a month too. We are both older and not into partying like we used to when we were younger. I do feel lonely many times and I do feel that I am lost in the shuffle and left out. When I first arrived here, I guess I was somewhat of a new novelty and I was constantly invited by various family members or other women to do things with them. But now I guess the novelty has worn off and life has become a humdrum routine with far fewer invitations. I don't feel sorry for myself and I am glad that I have hobbies and interests that I can keep myself busy with, but for me there is just not that much to do outside or inside these walls and it gets old. If I were younger, I would probably be demanding more and having hissy fits over the general lack of activities and boredom. I love my husband's family here and they have been very good to my son and me, but when the only outings we go on just about are to visit family all the time, that too gets old.

As far as my son being raised as a Muslim, I am not opposed to my son being a Muslim, as my husband wishes. But this is his department and his responsibility. My husband started taking Adam to Islamic classes in the states when he was younger, but that didn't last long. Consequently my son doesn't embrace the faith wholeheartedly like my husband would prefer. The Saudi schools here indoctrinate the students into Islam. So from an early age, the kids learn about the religion and are totally receptive to it. But taking an American teenager who has no real understanding of the religion and plopping him down in Saudi Arabia and expecting him to just swim with the fishes doesn't work. If you're planning on embracing Islam and giving up your religion, I'm sure that will make your husband and his family happy. Good luck with that. But I would recommend doing it before coming to Saudi Arabia. The Saudis' version of Islam is not how Islam is practiced in most other Muslim countries.

Many of the Saudi men who take Western women as their wives change once they get back to the Kingdom. My husband has gotten much more jealous and protective of me since we moved here. And he has gotten much more conservative and thinks that the way things are done here is the law of the land and should not be questioned or challenged - a far cry from his rebellious youth when we first met. Despite having spent thirty years in America, now he seems to be even more conservative than many men who have been in Arabia all their lives! I don’t know if he is just trying to overcompensate for being away for so long, to prove to his family and friends that he is still just as Saudi as he ever was or what. I was a very independent woman in the states and now he often makes me feel like I cannot do anything on my own without his approval or direction. This is not the same man I married.

I remember what it was like to be that young and idealistic, madly in love and feeling that I would follow him to the ends of the earth, if need be, just so we could be together. That no matter where we were, we were in love and we would be happy and nothing else mattered. But the reality is that it takes a whole lot more than love for a relationship to survive, especially in this country. And now, I find myself asking, “Why couldn’t he have been from almost any other country in the world besides Saudi Arabia? Why not Morocco, or Italy, or Australia?” Things would have been so much easier…

I think one of the hardest things to do is to maintain who you are and to be true to yourself once you move here. You will be expected to change and adapt to life here, but losing your identity - those things that make you YOU - is a mistake that I think many Western women who come here make. The way I feel is, if my husband had wanted a Saudi wife, he could have easily married one. Instead he fell in love with me, and just because I am now living on another continent, doesn't change me inside as to who I am. It is very difficult to maintain respect and appreciation for this totally different culture and way of life when there are things you may not agree with or understand. And sometimes it's hard to find the right words so you don't sound like you're complaining or criticizing or offending. I try my best to understand the way they do things here, but it is not easy because it doesn't always make sense.

I hope this has helped. I have tried to be as open and honest as I possibly can. It's no bed of roses coming here. I don't know that there is any one perfect place to live - there are pros and cons to everyplace I guess. It took me a long time to adjust to life in South Florida too - and many people consider that place paradise!

Good Luck to you in whatever the future holds for you.
Best Wishes and Warmest Regards -
Susie