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| Dr. Maisah Sobaihi (photo: Vimeo) |
Alicia Ali, artist for non-violence from Tayie Rehem on Vimeo.
I have written before about my friend and fellow blogger Carol, known as American Bedu. She and her Saudi husband were both diagnosed with cancer and traveled to the USA to receive medical treatment. Carol's beloved husband Abdullah lost his fight with leukemia in February 2010. Carol continues to remain in the states and is still aggressively battling breast cancer.
Carol's blog, American Bedu, is one of the most widely read and helpful sources of information about Saudi Arabia that there is. She is a former US diplomat who has lived and traveled around the world. She has faithfully and tirelessly continued posting during her health crisis and has faced this challenge with grace and dignity.
I know I don't have to tell you how expensive health care is in the USA. Her insurance through her husband's policy was abruptly ended shortly after his death. So on top of her fight for her life, Carol is also facing financial difficulties. 
She is a cat lover and terribly misses her two cats, which she was forced to leave behind in Saudi Arabia. Carol is now trying to bring her beloved cats to North Carolina. Can you help by making a donation to help her reach her modest goal? If you can, you will be helping to bring back some much needed comfort and familiarity into the life of my friend whose life has been turned upside down these last few years by the tragedy of illness and the loss of her dear husband.
Please click here to read more about Carol and learn how you can easily make a PayPal donation for her cause.
UPDATE: The goal has been reached and Carol will be reunited with her cats soon!
There is a new MTV video that was recently aired featuring four Saudi youths and the realities they face living in Saudi Arabia. Each of them is trying to make changes in their country in their own way while still remaining true to their Islamic heritage. There is lots of talk here in Saudi Arabia about this show. Many Saudis are upset that it shows Saudi Arabia in a bad light. My feeling is that these young people are being truthful and have hope that change will come while many Saudis continue to be in denial about problems within their own country. Speaking out for change is something that can get people into trouble here. I have to admire these young people for having the courage to do so. I would love to see the majority of Saudi people supporting the truth of this video and facing the challenges it presents head-on. 
Fatima is a beautiful young Saudi woman of 20 who has started her own business - making colored abayas instead of the traditional black color that most women wear here. Since she is a female, she is forbidden from riding a bicycle in public so she dresses up as a boy and takes her bike out for a spin. I love the images of her standing below the world's largest bicycle in Jeddah - a very famous sculpture that I have featured on my photo blog.
Ahmad is a political activist who is working toward establishing equality in women's rights and others' rights. He faces continual disappointments but doesn't give up.
Aziz is a young man who disagrees with the strict gender segregation in Saudi Arabia. It's heartbreaking when the girl he's in love with, although he's never met her in person, dumps him.
Breeze of the Dying is a heavy metal band comprised of a group of young Saudi men who face difficulties trying to express themselves through their music in the country of Saudi Arabia. They are misunderstood as devil worshippers and only want to play their favorite kind of music in a country that restricts them from doing so.
An hour in length, this documentary is an accurate portrayal of the way things really are in this country and is well worth the time spent watching it. I recognized many of the background scenes shot in Jeddah and have published photos of many of the sculptures and mosques on my photo blog. My feelings at the conclusion of seeing the video were mixed - I was overjoyed that these young adults want to see changes in the same ways that I do and that they are actually trying to do something about it. But I was also saddened at the same time because of all the obstacles they face in trying to do so.
Saudi Alchemist wrote a very fair assessment of the show in his blog post about it.
Click here to watch the MTV documentary.
Kimberly B. (pictured at right) is 44 years old and has never met her father. She has never felt the warmth and strength of her father’s arms hugging her. She’s never heard the sound of his voice. She doesn’t even know what her dad looks like, although she must resemble him because she looks nothing at all like her mother’s side of her family. Kimberly has gone through her entire life up to this point wondering and dreaming about her father, longing for a connection. She has scant information about him, but she is hoping it’s enough to help her find the father she has longed to meet all her life.
Abdulrahman moved away to continue his schooling at UCLA, eventually graduating in 1970 from Santa Clara University in California. Kimberly believes he studied Physics, Math, and Science, and Diana recalls that Abdulrahman told her he wanted to become an engineer for ARAMCO. Diana (pictured left) and Abdulrahman eventually lost touch. She believes that Abdulrahman’s father was in the import-export business and the family was well-to-do. Diana also remembers that Abdulrahman had several brothers, one of whom was named Aziz. Aziz might have been one of Abdulrahman’s roommates in nearby Portland when he attended Clark College.
Says Kimberly, “My father probably has a wife and many children. I would just like to meet him and have him meet his grandchildren. I have always wanted to know more about where I come from. I have had an identity crisis being raised in a Western 'Caucasian' family that I don’t always fit into. I was told I look just like him - I do not look like my American family at all. And I sense that I am a lot like him. I naturally relate more to the Arabian side than to my mother’s Irish- English side. I love my family but I feel something is missing that is a big part of who I am. I sometimes feel lost because I was not raised in my real culture. I was told his family is wealthy, but material things do not matter to me. Making a personal connection to him is much more important to me. I am ok with the fact that he may not want to know me or acknowledge me. I would be happy just seeing a picture of him. If we find each other and he doesn’t want to be a part of my life, I am prepared for that. I just have this feeling that he would want me to find him. I can’t explain why I feel drawn to him as though he wants to be found. “ 
Marriages and divorces in Saudi Arabia seem to crop up in the news on a regular basis here, mainly because of the controversies and bizarre natures surrounding many of them - and they are definitely not the norm in the West. In recent weeks three such unions have made headlines here.
The second unusual case is about a young couple, Fatima and Mansoor, who had married happily and had a child together and one on the way. The wife’s half brothers, who had never had much to do with her all of her life, suddenly went to court to have her marriage annulled. On what grounds? Because in this tribal society here in Saudi Arabia, her "concerned" half brothers argued that she had married beneath her class. She was given the option of divorcing her husband or going to prison. Bravely Fatima opted for prison, where her second child was born, and they languished there for several years. Just recently the Supreme Judiciary Council finally ruled that Fatima and Mansoor could remain married. But don’t assume this is an automatic happy ending to this story. Her brothers may decide not to concede just because a judge ruled against them. The primitive and ignorant tribal mentality actually could place Fatima’s life in danger now so her brothers don’t lose face. 
And to add just one last interesting tidbit regarding marriages in Saudi Arabia: as you know, most Saudi women veil their faces either completely or with just the eyes visible. So when a man wants to meet a woman about the possibility of marriage, he is allowed to see her one time with her face and hair uncovered. If he likes what he sees, and she approves, a marriage contract will be drawn up. But this can result in the old “Bait and Switch,” whereby if a family has a couple of daughters - one beautiful and the other not so beautiful - the potential mate is introduced to the beautiful daughter. Since he has not much else to go on but looks, he likes what he sees and agrees to marry her. But when the wedding night rolls around months later, the bride that is pawned off on him is actually her homely sister. He is miffed, but then again he only saw her once so he’s not really sure. This way the more beautiful daughter can command an even heftier dowry when she weds than the unattractive one ever could. 
I hope you don’t mind me emailing you, but I wanted your opinion about my situation. I am a 28-year-old American woman and I met a Saudi guy I really like. The problem is he wants to go back to Jeddah once he's done studying here in the US and he wants me to go back with him. I want to know from your experience if I would survive in his different culture and community. Also, how hard is it to adapt to this new type of culture and living situation? I am also used to working a lot of hours and focusing on my career and my concern is if I did go to Saudi Arabia, I would not be able to find a job since I do not speak Arabic and would lose all the skills I have worked so hard for. Also my other fear is if he was working all the time and gets back into the swing of his normal life there, I will be lonely and just get lost in the shuffle and not be able to find my own thing like I have in America. By the way, I am Catholic and this is obviously a concern for him as he would like to have Muslim children, which I am not opposed to. What would be your suggestion regarding the difference in religions? I would truly appreciate your opinion and answers to my questions. My boyfriend and I are at the point in our relationship that if we break up it is going to be very difficult or impossible for both of us so now we have to deal with the reality of the differences in our cultures and the best way to make it work. Also I didn't mention that him staying here is not an option at all. 
I cannot tell you whether or not you will be able to survive in this culture and environment. Many women that I have met have been here for 20, 30 or, incredibly, even more than 40 years. Most of those women have converted to Islam, live in villas where they can spend some time outdoors if they choose, have maids and drivers, have raised their children here, and are able to travel freely. Many of them also work, usually in education or the medical field. As far as not speaking Arabic, I haven’t encountered much a problem with it since just about everyone here speaks some English. In fact if you are a native speaker of English, you would have no problem finding work in a school or tutoring English. Some women have carved out their own niche, in art or photography or such. Obviously I cannot speak for all Western women who married Saudis, but I get the distinct feeling that most of these women would actually prefer to live somewhere else if given the choice - but they have tolerated this place out of love for their spouses and children and have tried to make the best of it. And looking back, if asked if they had a chance to do it over again, would they? I truly think that the majority of women who have married Saudis and moved here would likely say "NO!" - if they were being perfectly honest.
There were other times when I felt cheated, like around holidays that I was used to celebrating. Never being a deeply religious person myself - I consider myself spiritual but shy away from manmade interpretations of religions - what I always enjoyed most about, for example, Christmas, was the fluff and the spirit of the season - the lights, the music, the decorations, the smells, the foods and special treats, hearing from old friends, the generosity toward those less fortunate, the sentimentality of remembering Christmases past, the joy of giving, the smiles on people's faces, the children's excitement in anticipation of the big day. As years went by, my husband withdrew from participating in any of the preparation or the festivities. This applied to other typical holidays too, like Easter, Halloween, or the 4th of July. When we were invited over to friends' homes, if they had a pet dog, my husband would either refuse to go or insist that the dog be locked away. Muslims are taught that dogs are filthy animals, and my husband has been deathly afraid of even the smallest puppy since I have known him. I know that in America some women call themselves "Football Widows," when it's football season, the wives feel like widows because the husbands are totally focused on football games. Well, I started feeling at times like a "Muslim Widow,” for lack of a better term.
Adapting to this new life and new culture has definitely been an exciting learning experience, which is not to say that it has been easy. I honestly think that moving here is much easier for Western women who are NOT married to Saudis and who come here to work for a specific time frame, live in compounds where activities abound, and have very busy and full lives, with many more opportunities to enjoy all that this place has to offer than I have had. Life inside the compound walls is much like life in the West. There are parties, sports, classes, more freedom for women to participate in sports and to form friendships, and a sense of community that you just don't automatically get outside those walls. But on the flip side, many of them have never been inside a Saudi home and they don't develop friendships with Saudis, so even though they are living in Saudi Arabia, they are in reality living in this little protected bubble and not really experiencing living in "the real Saudi Arabia." Being married to a Saudi and living in an apartment building or a villa is a whole different story. I haven't really been able to join clubs and develop friendships with many ex-pats whether they live in compounds or not because of my transportation limitations. I have to rely on my husband to take me where and when I want to go, and you can imagine what a problem that can be. And everything revolves around prayer times - everything comes to a halt then and every business shuts down for prayer times. When you live out among Saudi society, it is so very different from the Western way of life because the Saudis are so very private and men and women do not mix socially. This is one of the worst things for me that I dislike about being here. To come from an open society like America, and then suddenly you are expected not to speak to men, to dress like a nun and cover your hair, and where you can socialize only with women, and you are not free to come and go as you please... it almost feels at times like you are in a prison of sorts. 
As far as my son being raised as a Muslim, I am not opposed to my son being a Muslim, as my husband wishes. But this is his department and his responsibility. My husband started taking Adam to Islamic classes in the states when he was younger, but that didn't last long. Consequently my son doesn't embrace the faith wholeheartedly like my husband would prefer. The Saudi schools here indoctrinate the students into Islam. So from an early age, the kids learn about the religion and are totally receptive to it. But taking an American teenager who has no real understanding of the religion and plopping him down in Saudi Arabia and expecting him to just swim with the fishes doesn't work. If you're planning on embracing Islam and giving up your religion, I'm sure that will make your husband and his family happy. Good luck with that. But I would recommend doing it before coming to Saudi Arabia. The Saudis' version of Islam is not how Islam is practiced in most other Muslim countries. 
I remember what it was like to be that young and idealistic, madly in love and feeling that I would follow him to the ends of the earth, if need be, just so we could be together. That no matter where we were, we were in love and we would be happy and nothing else mattered. But the reality is that it takes a whole lot more than love for a relationship to survive, especially in this country. And now, I find myself asking, “Why couldn’t he have been from almost any other country in the world besides Saudi Arabia? Why not Morocco, or Italy, or Australia?” Things would have been so much easier… 
